


it all feels different (without you)

by myemergence



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas, Eddie is deployed, M/M, Military Homecoming, Uncle Evan "Buck" Buckley, and his boys are struggling, long distance christmas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:20:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27955307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myemergence/pseuds/myemergence
Summary: While Eddie's on deployment, Buck does his best to not only go through the motions, but try to give Christopher a memorable Christmas. Despite Buck's best efforts, Christopher is struggling with the entire season and fighting him on everything… not even wanting a Christmas tree, if they’re doing it without Eddie.Buck’s going to need a Christmas miracle to survive the season (and somehow, that's exactly what he gets).
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 22
Kudos: 274
Collections: 25 (More) Days Of Buddie





	it all feels different (without you)

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a small idea, and sorta blossomed out of control. I hope you all enjoy it and have a safe holiday season.
> 
> Thank you to [marciaelena](https://archiveofourown.org/users/marciaelena) for the beta, your help in making my work the best that it can be is always appreciated.

“Are you all ready to see Santa?” Buck asks with a smile that takes too much effort, bending down to rest a hand on the boy’s shoulder. They’re nearing the front of the line that they’ve been standing in for twenty-minutes too long already. Buck didn’t anticipate this long of a wait, especially since they’re seeing Santa three and a half weeks before Christmas. The number of children waiting impatiently to give Santa their wish list is astounding.

“I guess,” Christopher mumbles as he turns away from Buck, a look of sadness washing over his features.

Buck presses his lips together, studying his son closely. “Christopher,” he begins, “are you doing okay?”

Registering the glassy look that Christopher blinks away hurriedly, Buck gently squeezes his shoulder. Christopher pushes his glasses up on his nose. “Dad should be here.”

“I know you want your dad here. I want him here, too,” Buck admits. The sadness on Christopher’s face is painful for him to see. As he looks up again at the line in front of them, Buck realizes that they still have at least another twenty minute wait. “Hey, bud, what if we come back and see Santa later?”

“I _have_ to tell Santa what I want for Christmas.”

“You will,” Buck promises, “but I was thinking maybe we could go pick out a Christmas present for your dad, grab lunch, and then we could come back and the line might be shorter then.”

Christopher worries his bottom lip for a second as he thinks about what’s being offered before reluctantly nodding his head. “Okay,” he acquiesces. There’s a pang in Buck’s chest that their son is having to experience the first Christmas that he remembers without his dad.

Buck can relate to that feeling; it took the two of them so long to admit their feelings for each other and finally put their hearts on the line. After years of pining after each other and unspoken feelings, they were married ten months ago.

Of all the things that Buck imagined that their first year as a married couple would encompass, spending their first Christmas as husbands thousands of miles apart wasn’t one of them. As far from perfect as this all is for Buck, he needs to be strong for Chris and keep his promise to Eddie: to make sure that Christopher still has a magical Christmas.

* * *

Buck throws himself into planning every possible festive activity that he can think of. They make Christmas ornaments with Hen, Karen and Denny. Seeing the way that Christopher laughs so easily around their friends helps loosen the knot that’s been steadily tightening around Buck’s heart each day closer that they get to Christmas.

They bake Christmas cookies with Maddie and Chimney, which transforms their kitchen into an utter _warzone_ , powdered sugar covering the floor like the first snow of the season.

Buck carefully plans each and every move of their Elf on the Shelf that Christopher has affectionately named Buddy. Obviously, named after the one and only Buddy the Elf from Christopher’s favorite holiday movie. From shenanigans in the bathroom with Buck’s shaving cream and leaving a disaster in his wake, to sampling their freshly made sugar cookies, Buddy is a constant presence. One of the few distractions that Christopher has, so Buck doesn’t hesitate to pull out all of the stops.

Even if it is the one Christmas tradition that Eddie had been hesitant about introducing to Christopher.

Even though Elf is Christopher’s favorite Christmas movie, probably because it’s Eddie’s, Buck has always been particularly fond of The Polar Express. Somehow, Christopher has never seen it before, so Buck decides they’ll have a Polar Express Pajama Party. Christopher spends the morning helping Buck prepare all of the snacks and treats they’ll have set out for their guests.

“You’d better go get changed before everyone gets here,” Buck grins at him.

“Buck,” Christopher laughs, and it sounds light, like he doesn’t have a care in the world. “We’re _supposed_ to be in our pajamas.”

“Hm, are you sure?”

Christopher giggles, dipping his finger into the frosting that tops the sugar cookie before he samples it. “You said so.”

“Well, when you put it that way, I guess I can’t argue with that.” Buck glances down at his outfit before he glances at the clock. “I guess _I’m_ the one that better get changed before our guests arrive, huh?”

Buck disappears to the bedroom, waiting until he’s behind the closed door to whistle out a quiet breath. He opens a dresser drawer, pulling out the holiday pajamas that match Christopher’s, the ones that their son helped him choose. For a moment, Buck’s gaze lingers on the neatly folded pair beside his own; the ones that he’d picked up for Eddie even though he won’t be home to wear them for Christmas.

“I miss you,” he murmurs into the quiet.

Before the aching in his chest becomes overwhelming and all encompassing, he shuts the drawer and gets changed. He hears the doorbell ring as he steps out of the bedroom. “You wanna grab that, Chris?”

The sound of Christopher’s crutches moving against the floor reverberates through their home as he lets in the first of their guests. Before too long, the kids are all glued in front of the television, each of them wearing their holiday pajamas. Even all of the adults are sporting their pajamas.

Buck disappears into the kitchen to make a fresh batch of hot chocolate, trying to let the fact that they’re surrounded by their family buoy him. He’s staring at the kettle on top of the stove, waiting for the tell-tale whistle that signifies it’s ready.

“Hey, baby brother,” Maddie greets him as she walks into the kitchen. “I thought I’d come in and check to see if you needed some help.”

Buck’s head snaps up a little too quickly, with the realization that he’s not alone in the room any longer. “You should go enjoy the movie. I’ve got this,” he assures her with a tight-lipped smile. When he focuses his attention on her, he sees that Maddie’s holding his baby niece.

“Well, I think you’ve done more than your share for today, and it’s my turn to chip in. Besides, Evie wants her Uncle Buck.” Maddie steps closer with his four-month old niece. Buck watches her with disbelief, but before he’s able to argue and further insist that he should handle all of the hosting duties, she motions to the chair. “Sit.”

Buck sits down, holding his arms out to take Evie, and when Maddie hands her over, Buck cradles her close to him. “Hey, sweetheart.” He kisses the top of her head, watching Maddie as she moves around the kitchen with ease. Maddie fills the mugs with the cocoa as the kettle begins to whistle on the stove. She turns off the burner, filling two cups with steaming liquid before stirring each of them.

She joins Buck at the table and she sits down in the chair beside him. Setting one mug in front of her, she keeps the other one within Buck’s reach, but far enough away that Evie can’t reach out and grab for it. “So, are you guys all ready for the holiday?”

“Uh, yeah.” Buck hesitates, smiling at his sister. “I bet Chim is bouncing off the walls to share this first Christmas with Evie.”

Maddie laughs quietly, although her eyes don’t look happy enough or joyful, they look like they’re brimming with worry. “Oh, he’s been insufferable. Making all sorts of plans.” There’s a pause as Maddie glances around, turning her attention back to Buck. “I noticed that you don’t have a tree.”

Buck feels the vice-like grip on his heart tighten, barely nodding his head. “Christopher wasn’t ready,” he admits reluctantly, unable to admit aloud that their son doesn’t want to have a tree at all or celebrate in those traditions without Eddie. “We still have a couple of weeks, anyways.”

“You guys should go soon, before all of the good ones are gone.” Maddie pauses when Buck looks over at her. “What I mean is, maybe… you guys could go pick out a tree. We could go with you. There’s a really nice place over on Washington Avenue, and they have these gorgeous wreaths that I’ve been eyeing, too. Hot chocolate for Christopher. We could make an afternoon of it.”

Buck’s leg bounces lightly for Evie’s benefit as she coos quietly. “He doesn’t want to decorate the tree without Eddie.”

“So don’t,” Maddie says gently, resting her hand on top of her brother’s. “Just get a tree so you have one. You need somewhere to put all of those presents for Christopher. And if he changes his mind? You guys will have a tree to decorate.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Buck agrees, all the while wrestling with the belief that he’s failing at providing Christopher the Christmas that he deserves. The Christmas that he promised Eddie that Christopher would have, even without him here.

* * *

It was an exhausting day with their friends and family, but it was nice to see Christopher focus on something other than his sadness over his dad not being here. He was able to enjoy a movie and treats with some of their best friends. The house is finally quiet and Christopher is fast asleep in his room.

There was a time when Buck used to enjoy this kind of quiet at night, curled up on the couch with Eddie tucked beside him. Even if Eddie was lost in a book and Buck was deep into a researching spiral, they were spending those quiet evenings together.

Now, all the quiet does is remind him of how wrong this entire holiday season feels. He glances over at where the Christmas tree should stand and thinks of his conversation earlier with Maddie. He couldn’t admit to his sister that without Eddie here, Christopher doesn’t want a Christmas tree at all.

He received Eddie’s email a couple of days ago, with an apology that he hasn’t been able to email or Facetime with them as often as he’d like. Buck understands—he knew what Eddie’s career meant for their family, just like Eddie knew and respected what Buck being a firefighter meant.

When they were dating and Eddie was deployed it was hard, only then he didn’t have Christopher to consider.

Buck startles as he hears the familiar sound of Facetime chiming, and he feels his heart soar. He’s fumbling with his phone before relief washes over him, seeing Eddie safe in front of him. “Hey, sweetheart,” Eddie says, a tired smile crossing his face.

“Hey soldier,” Buck manages, clearing his throat as he looks at his husband, _really_ looks at him. It’s been over a week since he’s seen his face, since he’s heard the voice that sets his heart at ease. All of those days in between—the ones where Eddie isn’t able to email or Facetime—those days are the hardest for him. Buck always does his best to keep busy, to not think about all of the reasons that Eddie might not be writing back.

Of what could have happened to him and his platoon.

So he takes his time, cataloging each of Eddie’s features. The way that, even though he is obviously tired, his eyes light up at the sight of Buck, making the normal honey brown seem somehow brighter despite the distance between them. He notices the way that the stubble along Eddie’s jawline, which he usually keeps clean-shaven, has begun to grow. Buck tries to commit the feeling to memory, the way that Eddie’s smile awakens something inside of him.

“I’ve missed that face of yours. You look tired. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to call and that it's so late… I know Chris is probably in bed," Eddie says softly.

When he’s home with them, Eddie doesn’t have nearly as much to say as these calls when he’s deployed. At home he’s more quiet, at times selective about what he says. But now, because they’re on limited time, Eddie talks freely and openly, not wanting to take a moment of this time for granted.

“Not as much as I miss your face,” Buck whispers, the words sounding like a promise. There’s never been something that Buck looks forward to as much as this time with his husband. It’s not nearly enough, and he knows that it’ll be short-lived, as it always is.

In a matter of minutes he’ll be lost in the depths of worry until the next email or call; until he’s able to put his worries at ease and hold Eddie in his arms again.

Somehow, in the middle of a warzone, Eddie is still more worried about his family, who are safe and sound at home in L.A., than he is for himself. “I’m okay, we had a busy day. Everyone came over for a Polar Express pajama party. You would’ve hated it,” Buck chuckles.

“I bet Christopher loved it.”

“He did,” Buck agrees, quieting for a moment, his heart aching as he remembers the conversation that he had with Maddie about Christopher not wanting to decorate the Christmas tree—not wanting to experience one of his favorite traditions— _without Eddie_. Shaking the thoughts away, Buck smiles as he burns the image of Eddie’s face into his mind, until the next time he can see him.

“I should get Chris up," Buck says. "He’ll never let me live it down if I don’t let him talk to you. Even if it is 10:45.”

“Tomorrow’s a school day...”

“Eddie. He’ll be so much better if he can just see your face, even for a minute.” Buck tries to keep the emotion out of his voice, the way that it wavers as he thinks about how much their son misses his dad. “He really misses you.”

“Buck, is… everything okay?” Eddie’s brow furrows while he studies Buck closely. Buck silently chides himself for not being able to hide it better. The distress in his voice—on his face—it must be obvious to Eddie.

Clearing his throat, Buck nods a little as he stands up from the couch. “Everything’s okay here, we just miss you.” He quietly pads down the hallway, towards Christopher’s room. Slipping into the room quietly, he runs a hand over the boy's back. “Hey, buddy, wake up.”

“Mmmmh,” Christopher mumbles as he rolls away from Buck’s touch.

“Christopher—”

“If he’s too tired—”

“Dad!” Christopher exclaims as he shoots up in the bed beside Buck. Buck smooths a hand over Christopher’s back.

“Let me grab your glasses, and I’ll turn on the light so your dad can see you too, okay?” Buck kisses the top of Christopher’s head, helping him with his glasses before he crosses the room and flips on the light. Christopher blinks against the brightness a few times before he fixes his eyes on Buck’s phone.

“I miss you so much, _mijo_ ,” Eddie breathes out, clearing his throat. Buck knows that it’s to keep his emotions at bay while he talks to his son. The thought hits Buck, then, that Eddie was going to allow Christopher to sleep despite how badly Eddie wanted to see him. If it’s possible, Buck thinks he falls in love with his husband a little more in that moment.

“I miss you, too," Christopher says, rubbing at his tired eyes as he watches Eddie. Buck climbs into Christopher’s bed beside him.

There’s a part of him that wants to give Chris and Eddie their space, but selfishly he wants to enjoy every single moment with Eddie that he’s able to.

“There are both of my boys," Eddie says. Buck slips an arm around Christopher as the kid settles against him. “I’m so glad that we got this time. Did you teach Buck how to make the cookies yet?”

Christopher giggles and shakes his head against Buck’s chest. “ _No_ , and I’m not sure if I remember, so Abuela is gonna help us.”

“That’s probably a good idea,” Eddie chuckles.

Buck knows that Eddie isn’t great at baking, that of the pair of them Buck is definitely the more capable baker. However, tradition has always been that Abuela bakes the cookies with Eddie and Christopher, and he wants to keep at least one small part of their Christmas traditions intact.

Buck’s aware of noise somewhere behind Eddie, and he turns his head to glance back before he nods. When his face reappears on the screen, Buck knows what he’s going to say before he opens his mouth. “I love you both, but I have to go. We’ll talk soon, okay?”

“But, Daddy, just a few more minutes,” Christopher pleads with him.

Buck knows how hard this is, to be away from his husband each and every deployment. But for Eddie, Christopher is his only son. He can only imagine the way that Eddie feels raw and torn open as Christopher pleads for just a few more minutes when Eddie is helpless to give that to him.

Tearfully, their son waves goodbye and they each blow Eddie a kiss.

“We love you, too, Eds. Stay safe, okay?”

* * *

“Christopher,” Buck says quietly, trying to feign the patience that he definitely isn’t feeling in the moment.

It’s been days, and Maddie’s been persistent about them going to choose a Christmas tree. He knows that she’s probably right, that Christopher might change his mind days before Christmas and then they’ll never be able to find a tree.

“Come on, Maddie and Chimney are waiting for us."

“I don’t know why we have to go. I told you I don’t want to!” Christopher’s voice sways, and Buck lets out an uneasy breath. If he’s being completely honest, he feels like since the day after Thanksgiving it’s been a checklist of Christmas things to get done, experiences and memories to give to Christopher to make up for the absence of his dad.

He knows that experiences are important, and he wants Christopher to have memories of Christmas with him. Those moments when his face truly lights up, Buck truly cherishes them. Those moments have been few and far between this holiday season.

Knowing that this is going to be another day of listening to Christopher complain and struggle makes Buck less excited about it than he’d care to admit, but he promised.

Taking one calming breath and then another, he abandons Christopher’s doorway and steps into his room. “Can I sit down so we can talk?” he asks, studying Christopher’s face closely, looking for any sign of acknowledgement.

It’s not much, but Christopher nods his head as he closes his book and sets it down. Buck sits on the bed beside Chris, gently bumping his shoulder. “What’re you reading?”

“How the Grinch Stole Christmas,” he answers, leaning his weight into Buck a little. “It’s Dad’s favorite.”

“I’m sorry if I was being impatient about leaving on time,” Buck apologizes, running a hand over the top of Christopher’s mussed curls before kissing the top of his head. “I know that things haven’t been easy. It’s hard when you miss your dad so much.” Pressing his lips into a tight line, Buck tries to imagine how Eddie would handle Christopher’s struggles if he was the one that was here and Buck wasn’t.

“It’s okay,” Christopher mumbles.

“I have an idea. Would it be okay if we read this together and then we’ll meet Maddie and Chim?”

Christopher nods after a moment. Pulling out his phone, Buck texts Maddie to tell her that they’ll be a little late, and that he’ll let her know when they're on their way. Once his phone is tucked away, Buck leans back against the headboard and gently tugs Christopher up against him.

Snuggled up together in a pile on Christopher’s bed, they read Eddie’s favorite Christmas story. Something about that sends a feeling of warmth through Buck’s chest, making him feel an unexplainable connection as he turns the last page of the book.

“I can see why that’s your dad’s favorite,” Buck says. “It feels nice to read something that we know your dad likes, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Christopher acquiesces with a smile.

“I think that he’d want to know that we’re still happy and celebrating the holiday, taking the time to do the things that he loves the most.”

“Like picking out a tree,” Chris says, almost reluctantly.

Buck chuckles, nodding his head. “Yeah, we both know your dad takes forever to make a decision. He says you can pick out the best one by _smelling_ them.”

“And tugging on the needles,” Chris adds.

“I bet we can pick out one just as good as your dad. We’ll take a picture since it might not look too perfect when he gets home next month.”

Christopher finally agrees to go to the tree farm.

As they move along in the largest building with trees dangling from the ceiling, Christopher puts each and every one of Eddie’s tips for picking a perfect tree to the test. He makes sure they smell perfectly fresh, and if the needles fall off too easily, he moves on to the next one.

Buck watches Chimney move alongside Christopher as they assess the trees with painstaking thoroughness. He turns to Maddie, who is watching him with a smile, her expression soft as Evie rests against his hip.

Before she can say anything, Buck breaks the silence. “Thank you. For insisting that we come. For coming, even though you didn’t _need_ to. I know we haven’t really been a joy to be around, especially the past few weeks.”

Maddie gently pushes his shoulder, her smile unwavering. “That’s what family's for."

* * *

They returned home with a beautiful, full-bodied Douglas Fir that is now taking up space in their living room days later... utterly naked.

Buck thought maybe after they got it home and put it up that the temptation to decorate it would be there. But it’s been three days and there’s been absolutely no sign from Christopher that they will.

Dropping hints and watching Christmas movies together, he thought that Christopher might change his mind and want to be surrounded by a brightly lit tree adorned with family ornaments, but he hasn’t taken the bait.

There's only one other thing that Buck can think of to get through to him: cookies with his abuela.

“Isabel,” Buck says with a full grin as he follows Christopher into her home. “Thank you for having us over.” He’s fairly certain he hears Christopher mumbling something under his breath as they move towards the kitchen. Despite the fact that most of the time Christopher is great, when it comes to doing things without Eddie that he’d usually do with him, it’s an obvious struggle.

Buck’s determined not to let it get to him anymore; he knows that it isn’t personal. It’s not that Christopher doesn’t enjoy doing things with Buck, rather that he doesn’t know how to do them without his dad… and he _misses_ him.

“Of course, what’s Christmas without cookies? Usually I do most of the baking because _we all know how well my nieto can bake_ ,” she adds with a chuckle, and the punch of her joke without Eddie there to roll his eyes feels somehow different.

Isabel glances at Christopher, who immediately goes into the living room and sinks down onto the couch. Letting her eyes linger on Buck, she remains in the same stance for a long moment. Buck’s almost surprised when she doesn’t comment on it, doesn’t ask him how he’s doing like everyone else has.

“You’re doing a good job with him, you know," Isabel says.

Buck chuckles a little, mostly in disbelief, as they move around each other in the kitchen to get things set up. “I’m not sure that’s true, but thank you for saying it.” Grabbing the measuring cups and other supplies that she’s laid out on the counter, Buck moves them to the table for her. “He’s not even out here to help, and he _loves_ helping you bake.”

“You’re right, he does. So does his father, who he’s really missing right now. It doesn’t mean that you’re not doing a great job with him. This isn’t easy for any of us,” Isabel says as she places a hand on his forearm, causing Buck to turn his head and look at her. “Most of all for you, the glue that’s holding your family together this Christmas.”

“I—” Buck clears his throat a little, unable to look away from the kindness that glistens in her eyes. “Thank you.”

Giving his hand a gentle pat, Isabel steps away to finish setting up. “Well, these cookies aren’t going to make themselves, are they? What do you say I teach you to make them?” “I’d like that. I’m gonna go get Chris,” Buck says before he walks to the living room, where he finds Christopher slouched on the couch with an obvious pout to his lips. “Hey, little man, we’ve got everything all set up. Why don’t you come out and help? I’m going to need all the help I can get.”

Christopher crosses his arms over his chest, and Buck can see that it’s going to be a fight before he speaks. “I don’t wanna.”

“Chris,” Buck says, sitting down beside him on the couch. “I think it would be a really special memory for us. Plus, your abuela says that you’re the best helper. I _need_ the best helper to make the best cookies for your dad.”

“For dad?”

Buck nods, watching as Christopher perks up a little beside him.

“Abuela has a few containers, that way we can take them home and freeze them for when your dad’s home.” Christopher doesn’t say anything else, but Buck watches as he considers it before he reaches for his crutches. Breathing out a sigh of relief, Buck follows him back to the kitchen.

“There my helpers are! And here I thought I was going to have to do this _all by myself_. And between me and you?” She glances over at Buck before she leans down and whispers loudly to Christopher. “I think you’re a way easier student than your Buck.”

Christopher giggles at Isabel's antics and climbs into the offered chair. He glances over at Buck with a grin. “You have to listen to Abuela, okay, Buck?”

“Aye aye, sir.” Buck salutes Christopher with a wink, his heart soaring at seeing a glimpse of the Christopher that they all know and love. The one that’s not forever consumed by the absence of his dad.

* * *

There’s only a week until Christmas arrives, and everywhere that they go they’re surrounded by Christmas music and decor.

When they return home, though, their Christmas tree is still barren, and the holiday decorations around their home are minimal at best. More times than he can count, Buck’s attempted the conversation with Christopher about doing more, but that seems to be the one thing that he won’t budge on.

Buck decides to stop asking about it, to let this holiday season be what it is without the pressure to somehow make it perfect.

It’s Saturday night and they’ve spent the better part of the evening watching Buck’s Christmas movie picks, ones that he wants to make a tradition of watching together as a family. They’ve managed to plow through all of his favorite animated ones from his own childhood: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Santa Claus is Coming to Town, Frosty the Snowman and Frosty Returns.

For tonight, since it’s the weekend and Eddie said he’d call, Buck lets Chris stay up. They’re snuggled up on the couch beneath a soft sherpa blanket that Buck had insisted they buy months ago for this very occasion.

Buck pulls up Home Alone on Disney Plus and Christopher’s eyes light up. “Home Alone! Dad _loves_ this one. Maybe he can watch it with us on Facetime.”

“Buddy,” Buck says as he bites down on his lip hesitantly. “Dad won’t be able to watch the movie with us, remember? He doesn’t get very long to talk to us. But how about we plan another movie night for when he’s home, yeah? Just the three of us.”

Christopher seems to consider his words, finally nodding before he muffles a yawn. “Okay.”

Buck presses his lips together in a tight line. “You sure you’re up for the movie tonight? I could wake you up when he calls.”

“No, I wanna stay up,” Christopher insists. Buck drops a kiss on the crown of his head as he presses play on the movie. As was the case when he read How the Grinch Stole Christmas to Christopher, he feels a warmth settle in his chest knowing that they’re watching one of Eddie’s favorite Christmas movies.

He chuckles a little thinking of the list of holiday things they’ll have to do well after Eddie arrives back home in January.

Despite the fact that nobody else will be celebrating, Buck knows that’s when it will truly feel like the holiday season. When they have their entire little family here to celebrate.

He thinks back to all of the cliche statements he’s heard over the years that he’s rolled his eyes at.

 _Home is where the heart is_.

_There’s no place like home for the holidays._

Except now, in Eddie’s absence, he appreciates the truth in them. There’s a hollow space in him, a missing piece of his heart, and until Eddie’s there with them it won’t feel quite complete no matter how normal or good the rest of their lives are.

As the movie plays on, they laugh at Marv and Harry’s antics, the absolute worst criminals of all time. When the movie nears its end, he notices the absence of Christopher’s laughter when Marv electrocutes himself. Glancing down Buck sees that he’s dozed off against his arm. Pulling him closer, he tugs the blanket over them more completely, yawning into his hand as he pulls out his phone to scroll through Instagram.

As the minutes tick by and Buck mindlessly scrolls through social media, he’s struck by the hardest part of it all: the waiting.

The time difference is hard enough, trying to coordinate Christopher getting the chance to talk to his dad when it’s been days, creeping closer to the edge of a week. Time Zones are hard enough as an adult, but trying to get Christopher to understand it is exhausting.

He checks the time and sighs quietly as he burrows more into the warmth beneath the blanket. Buck’s trying not to think about the reasons why Eddie could be running late, the awful list of what-if’s. He promised Eddie he’d stop thinking that way, but in the silence of their home—in Eddie’s absence—it feels nearly impossible without proof that he’s safe.

The movie ends and Buck carefully shifts, a muffled snore coming from Christopher as he tries to get more comfortable. It’s already an hour past when Eddie usually calls, and Buck drags a hand down over his face, admonishing himself for the worry.

Instead, he tries to conjure up comforting thoughts of Eddie, images of him piled onto this very couch with Christopher slotted between them. Days spent at the zoo with Eddie rolling his eyes when Buck overdoes it in the gift shop. Date nights when it’s just the two of them. Eddie curled up into the empty space beside Buck in their bed.

In the months that Eddie’s been overseas, these are the memories that Buck tries to hold close to his heart, reminders of the comfort that Eddie’s presence brings him. With those memories held close in his heart, Buck dozes off with Christopher nuzzled beside him.

Buck begins to stir when he hears an insistent noise, groaning quietly as he stretches, trying to register why the sound is familiar. Cracking open an eye, he fumbles with his phone and realizes that it’s not his alarm; Eddie’s calling him.

The next thing that he notices is that the sun is peeking through the curtains and Christopher’s body is radiating heat like a little furnace beside him. He swipes his phone just in time to answer the call.

“There he is,” Eddie greets with a smile, which falters just a little when he notices the state that Buck is in. “Sorry, I know it’s early… are you on the couch?”

“Don’t ‘pologize,” Buck mumbles. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he sits up a bit more. “Yeah, um, we both fell asleep watching a movie.”

“You slept on the couch all night?”

“I’m sure you’re sleeping on worse.” Eddie drops the line of questioning at Buck’s comment, confirming what he’s sure is true. Sleeping on an overly firm cot in the middle of a warzone isn’t really the best way to get a solid night’s sleep.

“How’re you?” Buck asks, his bleary eyes beginning to focus, carefully evaluating all of Eddie’s features.

“I’m doing good, Buck,” Eddie says. “Just missing you both.”

A lazy smile spreads across Buck’s lips. “Miss you, too.”

“Enough of the sappy stuff, Buckley-Diaz. What’d you two watch last night?”

Buck chuckles and feels Christopher stir beside him. “Well, I really schooled Christopher with an arsenal of all of my Christmas Greatest Hits.”

“It’s about time you made someone other than me suffer through _Rudolph’s Shiny New Year_.”

“We didn’t even get to it,” Buck explains. “But, we did get to _Frosty Returns_.” He grins as he watches an easy smile cross Eddie’s features, his heart squeezing painfully as he tries to blink away the emotion that jolts through him.

Buck turns his attention from the phone for a second, gently running a hand over Christopher’s back. “Bud, your dad’s on the phone.”

Hearing Buck say _Dad_ seems to do the trick, as Christopher begins to stir against the left side of Buck’s body, sticky from his warmth. “Hmmm,” Christopher grumbles as he rubs his eyes.

Buck kisses the top of his head. “Dad’s on the phone,” he says again. This time the words seem to take on new meaning as Christopher rubs his eyes. Buck gives him his glasses and Christopher slips them on before grinning at the small screen.

“Dad," Christopher says happily.

“I've missed your face so much, son. You look like you’ve grown five inches since I last saw you.” Eddie’s words cause Christopher to laugh, and Buck is struck by how incredibly blessed they are to have each other. Buck never had that growing up. Sure, he had his dad, but nothing like the connection that Christopher has with Eddie. The way that even thousands of miles away, Eddie knows just what to say to bring a spectacular smile to his face. Something that Buck himself has felt incapable of doing, especially in these last few weeks.

For a moment, the relief washes over him as he silently watches their exchange, Buck’s phone cradled in Christopher’s hands.

This is okay. They can do this until Eddie’s back from deployment in five weeks.

* * *

They’ve managed to talk to Eddie twice in the week leading up to Christmas, and for that he feels lucky. It’s been a busy week between Buck’s long shifts at the firehouse and trying to make sure that all of the Christmas preparations are complete.

It’s Christmas Eve already, and somehow the crew isn’t on duty for the holiday.

Instead, Maddie and Chimney are throwing a Christmas Eve party at their place. Maddie had suggested having it at Buck and Eddie’s house, but with Evie being so little Buck insisted that it was more important for her to be able to go to sleep at her own home for Christmas. Besides, the Buckley-Diaz house is barely festive enough for him and Christopher, let alone up to anyone else’s holiday standards.

The only thing really getting him through the day is the knowledge that he'll be able to see Eddie tonight. It’s been a couple days since they talked, but they were able to coordinate the soldiers getting to talk to their families for the holidays. It wouldn’t be until later at night and it would already be Christmas on Eddie’s side of the globe, but it’s enough to satisfy Buck, despite the knowledge that Eddie can’t physically be there.

With less of a fight than Christopher has given him in the past month, Buck’s able to get him dressed in their matching ugly sweaters, complete with a giant reindeer head and Christmas lights tangled around the antlers.

“Are you almost ready to go, my man?” Buck asks as he knocks gently on the doorjamb.

“Yeah, I was just setting out the story for tonight. So we don’t forget.” Buck smiles as he watches Christopher set _'Twas the Night Before Christmas_ on his bed.

“Why don’t we read two stories tonight? Maybe we could read How the Grinch Stole Christmas, too, since it’s your Dad’s favorite.” Christopher grins at Buck’s suggestion, grabbing the second book from the bookshelf and setting it on his bed.

Before long the pair head over to Maddie and Chimney’s. As different as this year has been, it isn’t lost on Buck how fortunate he is to have his family; blood or found, he’d be truly lost without them.

When Maddie greets them at the door with baby Evie, she allows them inside after attacking both of them with hugs and kisses. “I’m _so_ glad you’re here. Chimney has already had one too many eggnogs, and he nearly knocked over the tree. I need someone to help out with the Gingerbread house station, I hope you don’t mind.”

Buck seems to consider her words. “Did you actually invite me over just to put me to work?” he teases. “Well, even if so I _accept_ my new duties, but on one condition.”

“Evan.”

“The condition is that I'm able to have any helper of my choosing.”

Maddie rolls her eyes at his demand. “I do not have time to sit here and field your demands, I have to—”

“Maddie, relax,” Buck laughs. “Just give me Evie, she’s my helper.”

In response to his words Maddie hugs him again, mouthing a thank you as she passes the baby over to Buck. He cradles her in his arms and kisses the top of her head before adjusting the red tulle of her dress. “So your mom is worked up already, _that_ didn’t take long, did it?”

"You know I can still hear you," Maddie says.

Buck watches as Maddie heads off towards the kitchen, most likely to check on Chimney and his eggnog consumption.

He leads Christopher into the living room where the candies and Gingerbread house kits are set up. There are a few kids scattered at the first table, and Buck immediately sees the reason why Maddie needs a sober adult in here. There are trails of candy scattered across the table with white frosting smeared everywhere.

“Chim was helping you with those, huh?” Buck laughs when the kids nod. “How about we start over, and I’ll help you guys out if you need it?” Chris sits down at the table a minute later with Denny and Harry right behind him.

With Buck’s help they’re able to assemble houses that aren’t lopsided, looking like the after effects of a holiday tornado. “Alright, guys, Evie and I are gonna go grab some more cement for all of your decorations, we’ll be right back.”

“—so he’s not going to make it—”

“—where is—”

“Hey, Mads,” Buck says as he pokes his head into the kitchen, seeing Maddie and Athena huddled together, each with a glass of wine. “The kids used up all of the frosting that was on the table, any chance you’ve got more hidden away in the kitchen?”

Maddie presses a hand to her chest as she takes a breath. “Evan, _Jesus_ , you startled me.”

“Little ears, Madeline. Little. Ears,” Buck scolds as he gently places a hand against the side of Evie’s head.

“Believe me, she has heard far worse from her dad.” Maddie crosses the kitchen, opening the cupboard before pulling out several more containers of frosting.

“Maybe,” Athena says, sipping from her glass of wine as she glances between Maddie and Buck. “But there’s something so sweet about a protective Uncle Buck.”

“Well, thank you for that.” Buck flushes as he glances down. “Let me grab the frosting and I’ll get out of your hair. I’m kind of scared to see what’s happened at the gingerbread house station while I’ve been in here.”

“I can take Evie if you want, so you have both of your hands free,” Athena offers.

Buck gives her an offended look, his brow pinching together. “Evie is my _helper_. So, no, you can’t take her.”

Maddie tries to stifle her laughter as Buck cradles Evie in one arm, taking the containers of frosting and returning with gingerbread house cement.

Buck looks between the boys when he gets back. “Where’s the rest of the candy?”

The kids look at each other while Buck watches them expectantly. He focuses on Christopher as he chews a couple of times. Finally he answers, his words coming out muffled, “What candy?”

Buck laughs, this being the most that either of them have enjoyed the holiday season thus far, thanks to all of the people that they surround themselves with.

He thinks about his original reluctance to come in the first place, how he almost entertained Christopher’s suggestion of them just staying in for the holidays. But not celebrating at all felt wrong, worse than the concept of celebrating without Eddie by his side.

Once all of the gingerbread houses have been decorated, Buck finally lets Athena take his niece as he takes care of clean up duty. “Buckaroooo,” Chim drags out the nickname as he slaps him on the shoulder, eggnog nearly sloshing out of the glass in his hand.

“Very in character for you to come around once all of the work is done,” Buck quips.

“Listen, I _'ppreciate_ you.”

“Maddie definitely wasn’t kidding when she said that you weren’t able to help the kids with gingerbread houses, was she?”

“Want some eggnog? It's so good.” Chimney offers, holding his half-full glass out to Buck.

“I think it’s best if Buck doesn’t have any eggnog since he has to drive home tonight,” Bobby says.

“But, Eddie—”

“Time to sober up, Chim,” Bobby says, cutting him off. “Before Maddie realizes that you’re going to be absolutely no help with Evie tonight. Athena said they’re gonna put in a holiday movie before the white elephant gift exchange.” Chim seems to consider their captain's words before he shrugs and heads to the living room, looking for an empty spot on the couch.

“You gonna go in and catch the movie?” Buck asks Bobby.

“Maybe in a few minutes. I feel like we’ve barely had the chance to talk. Are you doing alright with everything?”

“I’m surrounded by family at the holidays, how can I not be?”

“ _Buck_.”

In fairness, this is the first time in the past weeks that he’s felt more like himself, more at peace. He knows that they just need to make it through the next few days and then they can power through the last several weeks until Eddie is home. Christopher won’t have to struggle through any more holiday events without his dad. Buck’s already made a _Holiday Do-over_ list that they will painstakingly make Eddie go through with them.

It’s just one more day, so being here with the people that he loves has been the perfect distraction away from all of the waiting. Knowing that he’ll at least get to talk to Eddie tonight makes it all a little bit easier.

“Really, Cap. I’m okay, _we’re_ doing okay,” Buck explains. “We’ve had some rough days but it’s been getting better. Eddie worked it out so he can call and talk to us tonight before I put Christopher to bed.”

And for the first time in a long time, when Buck says they’re okay he means it.

* * *

They stay at the party for a bit after the movie ends and Buck gets to see his niece tucked in her crib, waiting for her first Christmas morning to arrive. He’s glad he didn’t skip the party, like he’d thought about more than once over the past week.

Changing into their matching Christmas pajamas back home, they start preparing for bed.

Buck pulls down a plate from the cupboard and Christopher painstakingly chooses the cookies to set out for Santa. “Your dad should be calling soon. Why don’t you brush your teeth and then we can read the stories before he calls? That way you’re all ready for bed and you’ll be asleep before Santa gets here.”

The boy agrees, disappearing into the bathroom to brush his teeth. While he’s in there Buck busies himself with tidying up the kitchen and meets Christopher in his bedroom a few minutes later.

“Alright, are your teeth squeaky clean?”

Christopher laughs at Buck as he climbs into bed. “They are, I don’t want Santa to tell the Tooth Fairy that I’m not keeping my teeth clean. She wouldn’t like that.”

Buck can’t help but smile.

"You’re right, the Tooth Fairy wouldn’t like that at all.” He checks the time, knowing that Eddie is set to call and wish them a Merry Christmas soon. Pulling Christopher snugly to his side, he begins to read ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas, hoping that he does the story some kind of justice without Eddie being the one to read it.

They read both of the stories, snuggle in bed, and talk about all of the things that Christopher wants for Christmas this year. Despite not being able to have the thing that he wants more than anything—his dad with them for the holidays.

Buck glances at his watch, noticing that Eddie’s late calling them. They must just be running late tonight, but he yawns again as he registers the late hour.

After spending the evening at Maddie and Chim’s, he’s exhausted, and he still has to wrap some final presents for Christopher and put them under the tree.

When it’s been another thirty minutes, Buck kisses the top of Christopher’s head. “You should go to sleep, bud.”

“But Dad said he’d call—”

“I know, but you’re tired. If your dad calls I promise I’ll wake you up, okay?” Christopher’s eyebrows knit together despite how hooded his eyes have become since they began to snuggle in his bed.

“He promised,” Christopher whispers thickly, and Buck feels his heart shatter.

He _did_ promise.

When Eddie promised them there was a part of him that worried something could happen; he’s on active duty, after all, a soldier with responsibilities above all else. Buck understands, even if in this moment he hates it.

“I know,” Buck manages. “You know he’d call if he could.” Christopher nods against his shoulder and Buck bends down, kissing the top of his head.

“Can you stay with me a little longer?” Christopher sniffles as he bites down on his bottom, trying to stop it from quivering.

These are the hardest moments of them all. When across the world children are being tucked into bed with the excitement of Christmas morning swirling in their bellies, their son is going to bed broken and upset because he can’t have the one thing that he wants the most: his dad.

Buck wants Eddie to be home, too, so badly. Or at least to see his face like they were supposed to tonight. He stuffs those feelings down as far as they can go, needing to focus on Christopher now.

“As long as you want,” Buck promises.

“Thanks, Papa,” Christopher murmurs, burying his face in Buck’s chest. It’s not very often that Christopher chooses to call him something other than his name; being called Papa tonight wrenches his already aching heart. He swipes tears away as they slide down his cheeks, moving his hand in comforting circles over Christopher’s back.

Buck places another kiss on top of his head, closing his eyes as he tries to remind himself that in the grand scheme of things this is only one night.

Eddie’s human. He’s doing his job as a soldier, making him proud with the sacrifice that he makes every day, and doing what he needs to do to stay safe so he can come home to them in one piece. Still, after spending the evening with their friends and family, seeing all of their families going home to celebrate the hours that lead up to Christmas together—surrounded by love and laughter—Buck can’t help but long for that, too.

Buck lays in bed with Christopher until he finally falls asleep at nearly one in the morning, carefully untangling himself from Christopher’s limbs. He runs a hand over his face and drags himself to the living room, staring at the bare Christmas tree in front of him.

He should be digging Christopher’s presents out from the closet; instead he makes his way to the kitchen and grabs a beer from the fridge. He has two presents of Christopher’s left to wrap, so he busies himself with that before he finally wills himself to unlock his phone.

Obviously Eddie hasn’t called. He would’ve known if he had, so hyper-focused on the familiar sound of the notifications by now.

_merry christmas baby brother_

**Maddie・1:02 am**

_merry christmas mads_

_give evie a kiss for me_

**1:04 am**

_why aren’t you sleeping?_

**Maddie・1:04 am**

_chris just fell asleep_

_eddie didn’t call_

**1:05 am**

_go to sleep_

**Maddie・1:05 am**

_i can’t_

_it’s fine_

_go to sleep_

_talk to you tomorrow_

**1:06 am**

Buck slips the phone into the pocket of his pajama pants. Finishing off his beer, he stares at the tree for a long time before he disappears into the bedroom, beginning to pull out Christopher’s gifts. It’s Christopher’s first Christmas with Eddie deployed and Buck wants to ensure that he still has the best one that they can manage given the circumstances.

To his surprise, his phone begins to ring in his pocket, and when he pulls it out he sees Maddie’s name flash across the screen. “Hello? Maddie, why are you calling at almost 1:30 in the morning? You should be sleeping,” he scolds.

“Go outside.”

“Madeline, it’s 1:30 in the morning.”

“Evan Buckley-Diaz. Go. Outside. Now.” Maddie’s tone is measured, and each word comes out with precision. Buck blinks a few times, trying to understand why she would be demanding that he go outside in the middle of the night, but he listens to her anyway.

“If I step outside and you are on my doorstep,” Buck warns, finally allowing his feet to move him towards the front door.

He flips on the outside light before swinging open the door, fully expecting to see his older sister and niece on his doorstep, but instead he finds his breath instantly lodged in his throat. With a shaky hand, he slips his phone into his pocket.

This can’t be right. There’s no way.

There are precisely 7,643 miles that separate Eddie from them; he’s half a world away. The Atlantic Ocean provides a broad barrier between their two worlds.

He’s unable to find any words, needing to remind himself every few seconds to breathe. Finally, he’s able to gulp in some air, and he tries to see Eddie. He wants to revel in every inch of him, but he can barely glimpse his outline though the fuzzy lens of tears.

“ _E-Eddie_.”

“Merry Christmas, sweetheart.”

A wet laugh slips past Buck’s lips, and he watches as the blurry figure in front of him moves closer, dropping a bag onto the pavement before climbing the steps to meet him in the doorway.

Buck’s thankful that Eddie doesn’t expect him to speak; there’s no way that he could string meaningful words together right now. Instead, he barrels into Eddie’s waiting arms, his face dropping down to Eddie’s shoulder instantly, eliminating the little bit of height difference that there is between them.

As he breathes in, his face presses into the curve of Eddie’s neck, letting the scent of his husband wash over him. It’s that familiar scent—cedar and sandalwood mixed with something that can only be described as Eddie— that sends him careening over the edge of composure.

All of the months of doing this without him, but especially the weeks leading up to the holidays hit him all at once. Those moments without Eddie here, of having to be strong for Christopher, of never openly crying about Eddie’s absence or deployment. Each and every worry, fear, and longing drain out of Buck now. Tears fall mindlessly down his cheeks, quickly being absorbed into the shoulder of Eddie’s uniform.

They stand like that for a long time, with the front door wide open and the crisp December air drifting into their home. Buck clings to Eddie’s back like a lifeline as they embrace, Eddie drifting a hand over Buck’s back in a soothing motion, murmuring soft reassurances as he takes on the weight of what Buck’s been holding in for the months he's been away.

Buck sniffles, finally unfolding himself from Eddie’s embrace. Eddie looks at him with tears shining in his eyes, an expression of boundless love in them as he reaches out to cradle Buck’s cheek, swiping away the wetness left behind.

“I have missed you so much.”

“Maybe not this mess of a face,” Buck chokes on a laugh.

“I love everything about your face,” Eddie promises, and as Buck looks down at him and processes the softness of his features, he knows that it’s the truth.

“God, I’ve missed you, Eds. You have no idea. I can’t believe you’re really here.” Buck reaches out for Eddie’s face then, his hands brushing against the rough stubble there and memorizing the feel of it, ingraining it into his senses. There’s a part of him that wants to crash into Eddie full force, to show him how badly he wants him and needs him in every way. Another quieter voice whispers in the back of his mind, wanting to remind Eddie what he’s fighting for; that he has love and a family to come home to after each and every deployment.

Buck wants to show him just how much he’s treasured and cherished, and how his life would cease to go on without Eddie.

Gently, he pulls Eddie closer, dropping one hand from his jawline and settling at his waist, pulling him closer still. When he presses his lips to Eddie’s, it’s gentle and slow as if Eddie’s fragile, something to be handled with care. He might have spent the last six months in a warzone, but he’s Buck’s husband, precious to him in every way.

When they pull apart Eddie smiles at him. “Can we… continue this inside?” Eddie asks with a hesitant little laugh. Buck had forgotten they were still in the doorway, a chill filling their home all of this time.

“Yeah. Yeah, of course,” Buck says, stepping further into the doorway and holding the door for Eddie as he grabs his bag. He closes the door behind Eddie and clicks it closed, shivering as if his body is finally registering the coolness of the night. The sudden chill seems to bring him back to reality.

Buck pulls his phone out of his pocket, realizing he never hung up with Maddie. He lingers by the doorway, not wanting to speak to Maddie too loudly and wake Christopher.

“Maddie, I— um, it’s Eddie— how did you…”

“Go be with your husband. I’ll see you later today and we’ll celebrate, but Evie’s finally asleep so I’m going to try to get a few hours in before she has me up again.”

Buck says his goodbyes before glancing around, seeing Eddie standing in front of the Christmas tree. “Hey,” Buck whispers after watching him for a few moments, not wanting to surprise him with his sudden presence.

“Hey,” Eddie replies, reaching out for Buck’s hand, interlacing their fingers.

“How long are you home for?” Buck knows it’s probably the worst question that he can ask right now. Maybe Eddie somehow wheedled his way into coming home for the holidays and only has a day or two with them, which he could live with, as painful as it would be to say goodbye again. But he needs to know.

“Until we’re deployed again,” Eddie answers, his smile breathtaking. Buck can’t stop the grin that spreads across his face when the words set in, realizing that he doesn’t have to prepare for another goodbye. “I’ve known for a little bit, and I promise you I didn’t plan on surprising you at 1 am all along. I was supposed to be home earlier, but my flight got delayed by nearly a full day. So I rented a car and drove the rest of the way, praying I’d still make it in time for Maddie’s party.

“Obviously I didn’t, so I was going to wait until morning and then surprise you two. But when you were texting with Maddie she told me I should come now instead of waiting until morning. That, uh, that you needed me now.”

She was right, Buck did need him.

Eddie turns his attention back to the bare tree. “So, no ornaments this year?”

Buck doesn’t know why, but Eddie asking about the lack of ornaments forces an uncomfortable blush to rush to his cheeks, as if somehow Buck failed him by not following all of their Christmas traditions.

“Christopher, he’s, um… _struggled_ with doing some things without you this year. He didn’t want a tree, but Maddie convinced us to go, and he said he wasn’t going to decorate it without you. I didn’t wanna push him.” Buck swallows thickly after the explanation. He knows that he’s done his best, that he hasn’t done anything _wrong_. Still, he feels like if Eddie had been here he would’ve had another memorable Diaz Christmas. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re… sorry?” Eddie asks incredulously, his features shifting slowly into something closer to awe. “You have done _so_ amazing with him. Kids being away from their deployed families during Christmas, that’s the hardest that it gets when you’re part of a military family. You did everything right… _thank you._ ”

Buck squeezes his hand, at a loss for words as they stand in front of the tree.

“I was getting ready to put the presents under the tree. Do you wanna help?” Buck asks after a few minutes of silence.

“I have a better idea,” Eddie tells him. Instead of putting the presents under the tree, they line them up against the wall, leaving the space in front of the Christmas tree open. Buck helps Eddie pull down the bins of Christmas ornaments for the tree and they quietly move them out to the living room.

“So you don’t think it’s a terrible idea to consider waking up our son at 2 am to decorate the Christmas tree?”

“No,” Eddie says with a soft smile. “I think it’s the best one.”

When Eddie moves closer, he kisses Buck softly. It’s not a conventional Christmas morning, Buck knows that, but he’s glad for whatever memories that they can make today, even if they are at 2 am.

Buck hangs back in the doorway as Eddie cautiously pushes Christopher’s bedroom door open. Eddie moves closer, crouching down and running a hand gently over his son’s back. “Hey, Christopher,” he says quietly, dipping his head down to kiss the muss of curls on the top of his head. For a moment, Christopher just murmurs, not moving at all in the bed. “I’m home, son.”

Those words cut through the sleepy fog in Christopher’s brain, and he shoots up in bed. “Dad! Dad, how are you here?” His voice pitches higher, on the verge of tears. “Dad!”

“I’m home,” Eddie repeats, his voice thick, and although his back is to Buck now, he can tell Eddie’s biting back tears, trying to be steady for Christopher. He draws their son close, and the boy buries his face against Eddie.

Christopher’s shoulders shake, and Buck can feel the tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. As Buck makes a move to step out of the room and give them some time together, Eddie reaches out a hand for Buck, as if sensing that he’s about to leave. He takes Eddie's hand, moving to sit on the bed beside Eddie. “I’ve missed you so much, mijo.”

They sit like that for a while, Christopher unwinding himself from Eddie long enough to put his glasses on.

“So your dad kind of wishes that we had some ornaments on the tree,” Buck says softly. “So we were thinking that maybe we could have some hot chocolate and cookies and decorate. What do you think?”

Christopher looks around for a second, as if to confirm that it’s still the middle of the night. “Now? We can do it now?”

“Yeah, but on one condition. We all have to go back to sleep before presents. Deal?”

“I… don’t need any presents,” Christopher says after a pause. “I only asked Santa for one thing this year.”

“And how will you know if you got it if you don’t open any of your presents?” Eddie chuckles softly, looking down at Christopher with joy shining in his eyes.

Christopher hesitates for a second, looking between his two dads before saying anything. “I told Santa that the only thing I wanted was for you to be home for Christmas.”

Eddie draws Christopher even closer and stays silent for a few minutes as he tries to find his voice.

“Well, every kid needs some presents,” Eddie murmurs, “and Santa’s been here already, your presents are waiting."

Buck clears his throat, trying to shake away some of the obvious emotion that he’s feeling. “Why don’t you two get everything ready to go, and I’ll take cookie and hot chocolate duty?”

“You just want the treats and not the work,” Chris accuses with a giggle as he wags his finger at Buck, all three of them bursting into peals of laughter. Buck can’t help but think, _this_ is what Christmas should be; laughter, joy, and all of the things that make their family complete.

Buck heads to the kitchen while Eddie and Christopher head out to the living room to start hooking all of the family ornaments from over the years. There are some Hallmark ornaments, some ordinary bulbs, but Buck has to admit that his favorites are the ones that Christopher has made. Pictures of Christopher on popsicle sticks, or a handprint on a bulb ornament from his earlier years, painted to look like a reindeer.

He brings the cocoa and cookies but stands back a bit, watching as Eddie and Christopher chatter quietly, their eyes bright with happiness and excitement despite the fact that it’s the middle of the night.

“I come with lots of yummy treats,” Buck announces, setting them on the coffee table before going over to observe the progress they’ve made. “So how come none of the ornaments have actually made it onto the tree yet?” he teases.

Christopher grabs a cookie from the plate, one covered in a heaping mound of frosting and sprinkles that he’d decorated. He takes a big bite of the cookie before washing it down with his hot cocoa. “Because we decorate the tree as a _family_.”

As much as Christopher wanted Eddie here all along this season, Buck realizes it wasn’t just about Eddie. It was about all three of them _as a_ family, and his heart feels so full it could burst.

“Okay, well, let the decorating begin, then.” Eddie asks Alexa to play their Christmas Playlist and the first song that spills from the speaker is Jingle Bell Rock. They chatter and drink hot cocoa as their Christmas tree begins to take on its own personality, no longer bare and empty like their home has felt these past weeks. Instead, it’s bright and beautiful.

“Okay, okay,” Eddie says, muffling a yawn. “It’s time for the final touch, are you ready?”

“Superman is _always_ ready,” Buck says, grinning when Christopher cheers.

Eddie hands him the tree topper that was passed down to him from Abuela. Eddie told him once that it’s the same topper that Eddie used to put on the top of her tree every year. Traditions like this are a reminder of why doing this with their entire family was so important to Christopher; why it matters so much.

Buck lifts him up and he puts the topper on without too much struggle. Once both of Christopher’s feet are on the floor again and he’s stabilized by his crutches, the three of them stand quietly, admiring the tree.

“It’s perfect,” Christopher remarks.

“Yeah, yeah, it is,” Eddie says.

As Buck slides an arm around Eddie’s shoulders, Christopher standing in front of them as they look at the tree, Buck couldn’t agree more.


End file.
